this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
