If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You need a sexual gate keeper
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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