On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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