barbara walters just said penis...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
