By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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