I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
