so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
