She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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