i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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