i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
