You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
