I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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