What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
