Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
