Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
