you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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