Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
