and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
