Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
