i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You took a bar mat shot.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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