I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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