ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she looked like the before picture.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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