My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize