I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
