How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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