does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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