Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
