She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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