So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
