He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
