I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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