Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
