I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
