Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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