I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
