Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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