My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
