i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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