Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
