My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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