Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
