dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
