I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
