I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
