somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
