Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
