Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
