he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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