Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
