You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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