I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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