I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
