He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
