My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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