I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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