The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize