I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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