The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
