I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
