I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
